A New Journey

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2011-01-01T11:33:00.002-05:00

my 2010 year got better as the year went on. i'm believing God for even greater in 2011. may everyone have a blessed, healthy, and prosperous NEW YEAR in 2011.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2010-12-25T01:20:00.000-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! have a safe holiday.

2010-04-19T12:18:00.006-04:00

i know it's been a while since i've posted here, although i have visited some blogs in-between my posting. i finally finished school last october and graduated in december with my degree in business administration and a concetration in business management. this was one of my most challenging accomplishments, but a great accomplishment nonetheless. i started working on a degree in biblical studies before i went to culinary school and regular university, so now i'm going to do my master's and complete the bible studies. i'll be attending seminary school beginning september of this year.

my files had gone "kaput" while i was in school studying these past years, so that's what i've been doing--getting them in order and tip-top shape. it's so nice to be able to find whatever's needed without going thru different stacks of papers because i can't remember where i put what. i've always been an organized person, but school (papers, homework, studying for exams) just sort of took over, and my files took a back seat--waaay back. anyway, that's history now, and i can find whatever's needed. i made good use of the downtime during our snow blizzards here, and i'm feeling very productive these days.

the grandchildren are growing up so fast. the twins will be 2 yrs old this july and my oldest granddaughter is 10-1/2 yrs old. my, how time does fly. that's why i want to be productive in all areas of my life; don't want to look back and have any regrets about not doing or accomplishing my dreams and goals. one of these days, i'll be writing about my businesses, but for now, it's still in the works.

i'm getting ready to re-do my poems and send them out again to a new set of publishers, and hopefully, i can have my first book done by the end of this year or beginning of next year.

so, that's what i've been up to these days. life is so different for me now than when i first started blogging in 2005. see, people can work thru their addictions (i'm referring to blogging here, but all addictions count). just want to keep people posted and updated a bit and let you know i'm still around, even if it's not as much. i'll be doing some blog visiting as soon as i'm able. til then, everyone take care of yourselves and enjoy life .

here's something cute to close out by:

my grandaughter says, "knock, knock"
my daughter answers, "who's there?"
granddaughter says, "it's me"
daughter says, "me who?"
grandaughter says, "Karyce"
then Karyce laughs so hard at her own joke.

well, that's her name. what'd you expect? she's 4 yrs old. lol! i thought this was so cute. out of the mouths of babes!

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-24T11:26:00.001-05:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE. STAY SAFE.

2009-11-26T23:08:00.002-05:00

HAPPY AUGUST BIRTHDAYS

2009-08-17T14:17:00.000-04:00

it's that special time of the year again. yep, that's right--IT'S MY BIRTHDAY! well, my actual date is the 24th, but many of you know i celebrate the whole month. however, i've actually been celebrating since May of this year. i've gotten some early birthday presents like tickets to The Color Purple and tickets to see IL Divo. i also have tickets to see my Michael W. Smith, but that's not until October. anyhoo, it's been an exciting month, in spite of all the studying and homework and exams.

BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUTS to Andre and Marie. i can't remember their exact birthday dates, but i know it's the month of August.

thanks for stopping by. have a slice of cake and something to drink before you leave.

Metro Subway Crash

2009-06-23T03:40:00.004-04:00

my heartfelt prayers go out to all who were in yesterday's Metro subway crash in D.C., and especially to the families of those who died. i kept saying how people were on their way home from work, or going to work or school or wherever, just being about their business, and how so many lives were suddenly changed. i'm having a hard time sleeping tonite just thinking about it. this was the train route i took on saturday mornings when i went to class. because it's early when i leave home, plus it's a long ride for me, i sleep on the train. i always sit in the car where the metro operator (driver) is. the operator was one of the fatalities. it was her train that plowed into, and landed on top of the other one. i won't be riding in the front car anymore, though it may not make too much difference if there's an accident. please keep our area in prayer (those who were on the subway, their families, Metro personnel, the firemen, the police, the Mayor, etc.). thanks.

DTV-another transition

2009-06-15T04:13:00.001-04:00

i used to think i was the only person who didn't have cable tv, but then i met another person who didn't have it either. not only is cable expensive, but i don't watch a lot of those shows that come on cable anyway. however, i do have my favorites on regular tv. now that analog tv is obsolete, i see there are a lot of people who didn't have cable either. the digital transition has turned out to be a big mess here. even with the converter boxes and better antennas, many people haven't been able to get two of the main broadcast channels, channel 7-ABC and channel 9-CBS, and i'm not able to get my 24-hour 'Daystar' Christian broadcast channel. the FCC was expecting approximately 100,000 phone calls over the weekend pertaining to the switch. just judging from what's been going on, i'm sure they easily exceeded that amount.

speaking of regular programming, i don't watch a lot of tv, but i do have my favorite shows. i can't believe CBS cancelled The Unit, Without A Trace, and Eleventh Hour. all i have left to watch now are NCIS, The Mentalist, and Numbers. this is one way of weaning me from tv. i was beginning to change some things anyway, like i very seldom tape Jeopardy anymore when i'm not home. shhh, don't tell Alex. i've even missed a few shows while i was home, and this was the first year since i started buying Jeopardy calendars that i didn't buy one. i know, what is the world coming to, right? at least i learned the world won't end if i miss Jeopardy.

a little breather...

2009-05-24T10:25:00.003-04:00

i am feeling so much better these days. not only were there many changes in my life this year, but most times i felt so overwhelmed with all that was going on. i finished up my online Accounting/Bookkeeping class. this was one of the hardest courses i've taken since my Descriptive Statistics class about two years ago, and it took 5 hrs and 20 minutes to do my final exam. i thought i was going to pass out during the exam from stress, but i didn't and finished the course with a grade of 91/A.

some of you might remember i was in school until a couple of years ago. well, i'm back in school completing my last 5 classes. i'm doing 2 classes this quarter and will finish up with the final 3 during the summer. i'm talking Money & Banking, which is so timely with all that's going on in the world today. the other class is an Apprentice-type simulated computer project course. the class is divided into teams, and we're competing against each other. each team member oversees a certain area: Research & Development, Marketing, Production, or Finance. this is very hands-on, and is what i needed for my future businesses. it's lots of learning, but fun.

i just finished being a judge for the D.C. Shorts Film Festival. we reviewed, critiqued, and rated films, which ran anywhere from 3 minutes to under 20 minutes, and a certain number will eventually be chosen as winners according to the rating system. i also volunteered earlier this year for the showing of last year's winning 14 films. i'm finished with my part of this year's film festival until september, when the winners will be selected. this was a new open door for me, and it's been fun and rewarding, as well as a great learning experience on some of what to look for in a good film production.

i love movies, and have a new open door to get free passes to movie screenings. this has been so much fun, seeing movies before they're released to the public. sometimes, the sponsoring partners give out some great perks during the screenings, i.e., t-shirts, DVD's, gift bags filled w/goodies, etc.

remember that saying, "all work and no play makes johnnie a dull person?" well, that's not me 'cause i'm getting in some play time between work. have a good holiday weekend!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

2009-05-10T10:16:00.003-04:00

while we know that every day is Mother's day, on this special set-aside day that we honor and celebrate Mothers everywhere, i'd like to wish a very HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the beautiful and wonderful Moms. raising children is one of the hardest jobs in the world, yet with many rewards. May God continue to bless each one of you.

HAPPY EASTER

2009-04-12T08:05:00.002-04:00

HAPPY EASTER!

STILL AROUND

2009-02-21T18:16:00.006-05:00

i know i said i was shutting down my blog, and last week, i closed it off, but decided to re-open it today after receiving some emails; this way people can still leave comments if they wish, and i can respond, though it might not be right away. thank you for the emails and for thinking about me; i'll write you back before the weekend's over. i must admit i do feel better opening my blog back up again. i miss blogging with you all, but for now, it's had to take a back seat while i get some other things done.

i'm still doing online classes--lots of work, plus accounting and taxes are no easy feat, at least not for me. my Mom has been in and out of the hospital--heart issues. she's not allowed to drive right now, and is pretty much on rest orders, so my brother, sister and i share in the duties, and things seem to be working out pretty good with these arrangements. please keep us in prayer. i'll blog visit whenever i can. thanx.

Transitioning--Shutting Down & Moving On

2008-11-24T06:42:00.005-05:00

well, i don't know about the other hundreds of thousands of Barack Obama supporters, but for me, by evening the day after the elections, it was back to my life as usual. i wish i could have stayed on cloud 99 a little longer, but my chef didn't show up, so i had to fix my own food; my maid didn't show up, so i had to wash my own dishes; my chauffeur wasn't able to pick me up the next morning, so i had to get to the grocery store on my own...and life goes on.

my online class has ended, and i am sooooo glad. this class wasn't a part of my regular curriculum, and it completely consumed my time, which is why i never do online classes. even though my class has ended, i still have some course lessons to do, though it's on my own time, and i have a few months to complete them. there were some areas i needed strengthening in, and the info from these course lessons will do that. six months is plenty of time to finish up, but i also have a course thru the SBA to do, and still have to finish up my last 3 classes for my degree. i'm in the process of packing to move in late winter/early spring, in addition to my other every-day life duties, so i have to divvy up my time wisely.

at the beginning of 2008, i changed my blog address to "the road to prosperity" and the name to "a new journey." little did i know at the time just how "prosperous" and "new" my journey would become. this year has taken me in new directions, doing new things, learning new things, meeting new people, opening new awarenesses. president-elect Barack Obama isn't the only one transitioning; so am i.

i've been feeling this for a while now, and i believe my time on my blog has come to an end. i've been blogging since august 2005, and have had over 11,000 hits on my blog, although some were readers and not commenters. my blog has run its course, and it's time for me to move on. i've met a lot of wonderful people thru blogging, some of whom i'm sure i'll always stay in touch with.

even though my blog is shutting down here, i'll still visit some of your blogs from time-to-time. i've written posts in the past about blogging and how much it's meant to me. thank you for the friendships, the comments, the encouragement, the inspiration. it's been real!

surrender

2007-06-12T02:43:00.001-04:00

the more i surrender, the more surrendering i find i need to do. sometimes i'm trying to figure things out so much that my mind goes into overload trying to work out the situation. i try to figure out how to do this & how to do that; how to pay this & how to pay that; how to go here & how to go there; how to do whatever it is that needs to be done.

you ever hear a person say, "i'm at the end of my rope?" well, that can be a good thing. sometimes God is trying to get my attention to tell me this, or tell me that, or show me this, or show me that, or lead me here, or lead me there, but my mind is so busy trying to work it out. so He lets me come to the end of my rope.

there comes a point where God wants us to cease from our labors so He can direct and instruct us in the way in which to go (psalm 32:8). sounds simple, doesn't it? aaaaah, but it's not quite as simple as it may seem to be. that's because many of us have been independent and used to making decisions on our own. now, i'm not saying we can never make a decision, but if we would acknowledge the Lord in all our ways, He would direct our paths (proverbs 3:6), which could save us a lot of unnecessary steps, headaches, and possible heartaches in the long run. so the next time, there's a desire to do something, why not seek God's direction first? doing so would keep us from going left when we need to go right, or going right when we need to go left. God is able to move on our behalf in ways we can't imagine. His divine intervention is definitely more effective, and His grace never lets go of us.

when my son was a young child, my brother would tickle my son until he hollered out "uncle" in the midst of his laughter. saying uncle signified a yielding or surrending to my brother. i don't think i have to holler "uncle" to God, but i'm still learning to surrender.

staying focused

2007-06-07T17:35:00.001-04:00

with so much going on in the world today--in our neighborhoods, in our families, on our jobs, in the schools, etc., it's so easy to be distracted from our goals and visions and what's important in life. distractions come to steal our peace, and get our focus off of what's important and off of what we're doing, or need to be doing. Isaiah 26:3 says God will guard us and keep us in perfect and constant peace when our mind is stayed on Him because we're committing ourself to Him and trusting in Him completely, because we're leaning on Him, and because we're hoping confidently in Him.

the world offers a false peace via alcohol, drugs, sex, even other people; however, Jesus, who is the Prince of Peace, gives us a peace that the world just doesn't understand. God's peace cannot be comprehended with the natural mind.

that's why Hebrews 12:2 admonishes us to look away from the distractions and keep our focus on Jesus, Who is the Leader and The Source of our faith. God knew there would be distractions in each of our lives, but He promises to give us that peace that passes all understanding if we stay focused on Him and not the distractions.

what do you think?

2007-06-01T02:16:00.001-04:00

"...perhaps the world would be a better place if everything would slow down and we would take time to feel and think, drink tea, and dream a little." (Diana Kennedy, "Nothing Fancy," 1984).

life's lessons

2007-05-30T06:37:00.001-04:00

i never saw the movie "forest gump," but i'm familiar with probably the most famous quote from that movie: "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get." well, to me life is like that sometimes; you just don't know all that each new day will bring, or all that will emerge from one decision. oh, yes, some things we know we'll be doing for sure each day, i.e., brushing our teeth when we awaken, showering, getting dressed, eating, going to work or school, or for the stay-at-home people--doing all that needs to be done, etc. however, there are things we encounter during the course of the day that weren't on our agenda in any shape, form, or fashion.

the difference in real life versus that box of chocolates--when we bite into a piece of candy with peanuts or coconut in it, and we don't like it, we can spit it out and throw the rest in the trash. our real-life endeavors sometimes just aren't that simple. well, deal with it, one might say. oh yes, we deal with it, but the big question is how do we deal with it? i guess that depends on what we're dealing with.

our trials come to make us strong, not in ourselves, but in the power of God's might. what does that mean exactly? when we're weak in ourselves, then we're strengthened in God. in the midst of those "unplanned" or "unforeseen" encounters, much is revealed about ourselves. some things are handled well, and others, not-so-well. however, i'm learning the not-so-well is okay because it's teaching me what i need to know to help me achieve my future goals. they're my stepping stones to bigger and better.

i know God is preparing me for greater, so i don't mind the things going on in my life right now that are out of my control, or the decisions i'm making that aren't the best, and believe me, i'm making some, but i'm learning from them. i'm learning, and that's what's important to me and for me. i trust God enough to know that He'll not let me make a mistake that would be too costly. i don't necessarily mean in dollars and cents, though that too, but in messing up someone else's life or even mine to a certain extent.

lately, my life has been that box of chocolates. i love when i bite into a chocolate with the cherries inside. yummy!!! i love life when it's moving on track. i don't like it when i bite into a chocolate and i get caramel. not one of my favorites, but then again, some things i'm encountering in life aren't either. so i toss the caramel, but i learn from life.

how's your mind?

2007-03-17T09:19:00.002-04:00

there used to be this commercial on t.v., "a mind is a terrible thing to waste." i haven't seen the commercial in a while, but "the mind is still a terrible thing to waste."

i was watching the tv talk program where the host's name begins with "o." fortunately, this post isn't about the host, but rather about an interesting guest that was on the program yesterday. i'm not an avid watcher of the show, but i'm a remote control hoarder, and part of what i do is flip thru tv programs, sometimes during the commercials and sometimes when i'm bored with the present program. so while flipping yesterday, i came across this host's show where the guest was a homeless person, who had helped a film producer with a cable tv documentary.

the documentary was an experiment to see what would happen if a homeless person was given money and opportunities to turn his life around. unfortunately, i missed over half of the show, but from the continuous repeat of what the film was about, and the questions asked and answers given, i got the gist of the story.

the producer selected this man, who from this point on, i'll refer to as "HM." HM had been homeless for about 20 years and was given a series of tests, which included a medical exam, a psychiatric exam, and a drug test. HM was given a driver's license, offered a job, which, by the way, he didn't accept, and given therapists and advisors, which he didn't use. the amount given the homeless man: $100,000.

now, depending on who you're talking to, $100,000 is either a lot of money, or it's not. to HM at that time, it was a lot of money; to him now, it wasn't. HM made a call to a relative or friend, telling the person he found $100,000 in a dumpster. since i missed the beginning of the program, i guess the producer wanted to set it up this way with the money in the dumpster since that's how a lot of homeless people search for food, clothes, etc. HM got a hotel room and showered. now you'd think, he wouldn't be able to wait to lie down in a big, nice, soft hotel bed, but being used to sleeping in the streets, he slept on the sofa that nite. later, when he got his own place, he slept on the floor.

HM continued to collect cans and bottles, taking them to the recycling center for change. he moved back to the city he grew up in where his family still lives, got his teeth fixed, bought a new $35,000 truck, bought a worker at the recycling center a car, paid people's debts, left large tips when he ate out, got married, got a credit card, and gave and gave and gave. HM thought he could buy friends. long story short, HM today has no money left, is more in debt than he was before, is separated from his wife, and is back living on the streets again.

how did this happen? one would think $100,000 would be a whole new life-style, and for some, it would be. however, my opening sentence, "a mind is a terrible thing to waste" is a powerful statement in itself. we all have a mind, but it's how we use our mind that determines, or helps to determine our lot in life.

the Bible says "we're not to be conformed to this world and things in this world, but rather, we are to be transformed (changed) thru renewing our minds." the renewing of the mind includes an entire new attitude, an entire new way of looking at things, an entire new way of doing things, entire new ideals and new ideas.

now, why do i emphasize the entire? because if the whole mind isn't transformed, and a piece of the old stinkin' thinkin' is still there, all it takes is a drop to contaminate. HM had money, a new place to live, a new wife, but he continued in his old lifestyle. that's because his thinking remained the same because he failed to renew his mind. remember, i said at the beginning he was offered therapists and advisers, but he refused the help. why? because he had the "same 'ole mindset." HM had a problem with authority, so he felt like "no one" was going to tell him what to do; no one was going to change him.

HM, given a chance to do better in life, failed, and blames the system and society for his failure. this whole test was desgined to see if money would solve a problem or would it create a problem. actually, i think the test did both. you can't pour new wine into old bottleskins. the mind is a terrible thing to waste.

i admit.....

2007-03-12T17:00:00.001-04:00

my name is sylvia and i'm a blog-aholic. i love to blog. when i first started blogging almost 2 years ago, i didn't get much of anything done except my homework because i blogged so much. that was when a group of us met thru another online endeavor, which i'm purposely not naming (no glory there, ha!). i blogged the first thing when i got up in the morning, and it was the very last thing i did at nite.

on the weekends, we'd have blog parties. *lol* i'm laughing as i'm thinking about them. we'd do recipe exchanges, and have blog drinks while we typed. (oh man, what were we on?) we had this one particular "hang out" blog for people who didn't have their own personal blogs, or for those who didn't feel like "blog-hopping." she'd do her post, and it would generate oodles of conversation. those were the good 'ole blog days.

now, we're having good "new" blog days. (sorry, this is the best i could come up with) we have our own personal blogs set up now. i'm blogging with a few of the original bloggers i started out blogging with, but i've met so many new bloggers. isn't this world of blogging the best? you just click on someone's name, and it takes you into a whole new direction--a different part of the united states or another country--the blogger's world.

as much fun as blogging is, it can be a ministry also. people tend to think of ministry only as being in the pulpit, or going to the hospitals to pray for people, or going to the prisons to minister. however ministry extends far beyond those walls. many of us pray for one another, or ask for prayers for other people--that's ministry. we're admonished to pray for each other. the encouraging and inspiring words we leave on each others blogs is ministry. we're admonished to esteem others. the love we show one to another thru all of this is ministry. we're to love our neighbor as we love our self. so see, all of that, and we're still having fun.

i like that each blog is unique, displaying the blogger's character, personality, intellect, humor, life. some bloggers comment back to the ones' leaving comments, while others read the comments only. you can tell things about the blogger just thru their profiles, the posts they write, the pictures they share, the blog decor they have, and the links on their blogs.

i've gotten a little more disciplined with blogging now. i had to because i don't know of any blog rehabs.

My Final Tribute

2007-03-11T06:53:00.001-04:00

ok, now that i've come down from cloud 99....i wonder why people say cloud 99 and not cloud 100. would seem like if you're going to be that high, you may as well be 100% up there on the highest cloud.

i was having one of those weeks where things weren't going bad, but i just needed something good to happen. i tried to win the mega millions on tuesday, but alas, it wasn't me who took home the $80 million after taxes. so, i had said, "Father, I need something good to happen in my life." wasn't really looking for anything particular, but my life each day is normal, so i was looking for that special "umph." then when i was invited to the cedar chest yesterday, God had surprised me with the special "umph" i was looking for. don't you just love it when you get blessed with those "little special surprises?" i know i do.

so, i partied yesterday like it was 1999. i don't know why prince picked that particular year; i don't even know if he partied when 1999 came, but i put earth, wind & fire as my blog music yesterday and had a good time in here. i was honored, surprised, and decided to have fun with my "wink" all at the same time. now, movin' on.......

today, march 11th marks the 3rd special date for me, for it was 21 years ago today that i laid my husband's body to rest. his soul and spirit had been laid to rest when he breathed his last breath. i'm always grateful that God allowed me to be there for that. i hear a lot of people say, "it was when they turned their back, or left the room that the person took their last breath." we always did things together, so God allowed us that one last time together. even though it was hard to see, i'm thankful i was there.

i had to take a valium that particular day for the service, for i knew it was going to be the hardest of all the days. i didn't view his body again this day since i had done so the nite before at the viewing. he had soooooo many friends, and he was much loved by many. when he could no longer work because of his illness, his co-workers help us with finances for a few months until his disability finances were to kick in. unfortunately, they didn't kick in until a few days after his services.

so, i made it thru the services with the grace of God. some of our friends told me later about hearing someone crying so hard at the gravesite, and thinking it was me, turned so they could come comfort me, only to see it was his ex-wife boo-hoo-ing her eyes out. we had a good laugh about this because the valium was doing its work in me, while the "ex" was out-of-control. they didn't expect her to take it so hard.

i was in such a funk that day. i think a funk is deeper than a fog. even though i laid him to rest in the ground, because i never dealt with things back then, i hadn't put him to rest in my heart. oh i knew he was gone, never to return on earth, but if you've read my previos posts on this, you'll understand. so today, i'm putting him to rest in my heart. he'll always be a part of my life because i bore his daughter, and she looks like him, and has some of his personality, so when i see her, i see a part of him. but my "process" is over.

about 11 years ago, God told me i would remarry. for the first 10 years, i wasn't even interested. now i am, and i'm waiting on God to bring that person's path to cross with my mine. before my husband, i wasn't the best judge of man character, and knowing that God knows all things, i'm content to wait on Him to bring whoever into my life. perhaps it'll be at the grocery store, or the post office, or the movie theater, or the musuem. not sure where or when, but i do believe it'll happen, so i continue to wait patiently.

to all who've encouraged me with words of love and kindness, thank you. some people, i know, don't understand the length of time involved here in my "process," and i admit to feeling a little embarrassed at first. but i've talked to other people, and they've shared with me their stories, so i now know it's not unusual, especially when you don't deal with things. men seem to bounce back and re-marry sooner than women. i think women being more emotional beings than men may have a little something to do with that.

this was never meant to sound morbid, gross anyone out, or even to make people sad, but it was something i felt in my spirit to do once i was free within. thank you for reading along, for sharing with me, for praying with me. now if you want to set me up on a blind date, just let me know.

remembering....

2007-03-05T19:20:00.001-05:00

this is the second of my special three posts. memory is the retention of, and ability to recall information, personal experiences, and procedures (google search). it's interesting how the memory works. i'm not a psychologist, counselor, or therapist, and i haven't studied the mind, the brain, or memory, but they're all connected as to how we perceive things. it's something how it holds so much information, yet when something traumatic happens in our life, the memory can go on "lockdown."

today is march 5th, 2007, and it was 21 years ago today that my husband died. now that i've been healed from the pain and grief surrounding his death, i've started remembering certain things just before it happened--like the saturday before he died.

i remember calling my best friend because my husband wasn't eating. he said he wasn't hungry. she came over that day and not only spent the whole day with our family, but she cooked dinner. it was a big thing because she usually worked on the weekends, and had a busy schedule, but that day she felt i needed her and came.

we talked and shared, might have even laughed, i can't remember that if we did, but i do remember she fried some chicken. my husband was still saying he wasn't hungry and had gone to bed. we were at the table eating, and lo and behold, here he comes. he had gotten dressed, sat down at the table with us, and ate a little dinner. i call that "the last supper" because that was the last meal he ate, as well as the last meal we shared together.

that sunday, he didn't eat, and monday i took him back to the hospital, for what was to be his final trip, but i didn't know it then. the nurses talked to my dr, and even though the dr hadn't come over yet, from whatever they told him, he knew we were down to the last few hours. the dr talked to me over the phone, but i was not accepting it. denial? maybe. faith? definitely. fear? perhaps, though i didn't dwell on it. i was with my husband when he took his last breath, and while that was painful, i'm forever grateful that i was with him to the end.

looking back now, i had a lot of fears surrounding his illness--fear that if he died, who would take care of me; fear of being alone. i already had some fears like fear of the dark. when my husband had to work late, i didn't sleep very well until he came home because of fear. we did practically everything together, so if he died, i'd have to do them by myself. when he died, those fears magnified. now take the magnified fears, along with grief and pain; it's no wonder my mind shut down on some things. fear is paralyzing in itself.

after reading another blog last week where the writer asked a question about talking to children about death and Heaven, i called my daughter and we talked a little about her dad's death from a 7-year old's perspective. that's how old she was when her dad died. i knew she went to counseling at her elementary school, but we didn't talk together too much about the death. my daughter shared that someone told her that her dad would come back and visit her. people mean well when they say things, but sometimes they don't stop and think how what they're saying to a child will affect that child. my daughter said it scared her because her dad was dead, and she didn't want a dead person coming back to visit her. she majored in school counseling, and counsels children who go thru similar circumstances.

i remember my son wrote a paper about his dad and his last phone conversation with him for one of his college classes one year. i didn't know he had called and talked to his dad before he died until i read the paper. this was really his step-dad, but it was his dad. it was beautiful and sad. i cried when i read it, and put it up. haven't read it since.

i want to thank you deborah (outtabodymommy) for your openness in sharing about your cousin jeff's death. crying for you turned out to be very therapeutic for me. ellie, thanks for your openness in sharing about your family, even your tribute to your husband. that helped me in being so open now in sharing about my pain and grief, but also in remembering what i had, and if my husband were still living, what i would have. leslie and josie, we share a common bond as widows, and while i didn't know either of you when your husbands' deaths occurred, as we've blogged and shared, we've grown past a lot of the pain surrounding widowhood, and we're growing in leaps and bounds. peg, thanx for the email support and encouragements. i look forward to our daily exchanges. to all of my other blogging buddies and buddettes (is that a word? *lol*), thank you because you have become my friends thru your blogs. i'll do my last special post on march 11th, my 3rd significant date.

Letting Go of the Pain

2007-02-28T03:58:00.001-05:00

today is a very special day of for me because it was 21 years ago today that i surrendered my life to the Lord. immediately afterwards, i was baptized, along with my husband, and 5 days later, he was dead from lung cancer.

normally when i write, i like my sentences to be constructed in a certain order, but for now, i'm going to be writing as the thoughts come, in no particular order. last week on one of the blogs, the topic was about dealing with pain. for me, there's been one pain i haven't been able to deal with for all of these years-the pain of grief surrounding my husband's death. grief can literally eat you up, but the way God dealt with me in my grief, i was able to go thru life doing the normal every-day things, and from time-to-time, God would let me see His healing in that area. i'll share more on this later, but for the first time in all of these years, there's a complete freedom from the grief and the pain and hurt associated with it.

i'm not sure when the completion came about, but over the past few weeks as i've read a few blogs, the things written and shared have helped to bring me to this point. many people read our blogs, some who never leave comments. that's why it's good to put it down in writing; you never know whose life you're touching.

my husband's death is something i've never written about before, and barely talked about to anyone. i remember when we first found out about the spot on his lung. it was 2 weeks before we were to be married. i had known him for 11 years, and when we decided to get married, i wanted to do so on my birthday, august 24th. i had been married when i was 19 years old to an alcoholic, and that marriage lasted only 11 months, and i had never divorced. so after finally getting my divorce, i would have missed my birthday date to get married on, so i waited another whole year to get married-just so i could get married on my birthday. then the spot on the lung. we talked, and we both still wanted to get married, so we did. i remember thinking, "well he can't die because we haven't been married a year yet." boy, what was i thinking? death doesn't follow a time table.

the cancer was very aggressive and spread to other parts of his body. i had such a fear at being left alone. i used to say to my husband, "if you die, who will take care of me?" i didn't really mean financially because i could get a job, but he represented security and safety and protection for me. he would answer, "i'm not going to die." perhaps he was speaking by faith, but for all purposes, he didn't die because his spirit still lives on with God. but i meant dying and leaving me, which he did. he was dead within 7 months.

the grief was too unbearable. it was only God who took me thru those next few days of picking out a casket and making the rest of the plans. my mom and pastor were such a big help; i don't know what i would have done without them.

anyway, i got thru the services. God just sort of engulfed me within Himself, and the daytime wasn't too bad because i was busy raising my children, learning and studying the Word of God, and doing other things. i had tried to go back to work after a couple of months, but it was too soon, so i quit. the first year, i cried myself to sleep every nite. it took me 5 years before i could look at family pictures without feeling real sad. in another 2 years, i cooked thanksgiving dinner for the first time since his death. those were milestones for me, but the greatest milestone is being able to talk about his death now without feeling the hurt and pain and grief that has been such a part of me all of these years. that's why i never talked about it--too painful, and the way i dealt with the pain and grief was to not deal with it.

i've been ready to move on in some areas of my life, but seemed stagnated. to me, this means i've overcome a great hurdle in my life, and can now move on to the next phase of my life.

it's something how differently people handle hurt, pain, grief. some people scream, holler, get angry, throw things, cry, seek counseling. i tell people now who go thru death with a loved one that it's a process. i tell them to take however long they need to take, do whatever they need to do to help them get thru it, whatever it takes for them, then do it.

i didn't know of any grief counseling groups at that time. really, i never even thought about it. part of the reason why might have been because i was really involved in my church, and i got a great sense of peace from that. when i found one about 3 years after my husband's death, they said they only take people who have been widowed 2 years or less. how stupid is that!!! I'm glad God never throws us away. He's been my greatest provider, protector, and peace all of these years. God knows what works best for each of us. to some people, this seems a long time to go thru grief, but remember i said, i functioned in my nomal day-to-day activities. the pain was deep within, and that's where God left it, healing me a little at a time.

knowing me, i think for me to have grieved outwardly would have killed me. some people literally grieve themselves to death. i think i would have; maybe God knew that. i don't know, but i do know that it's gone now. i feel it on the inside of me-a freedom, an inner peace so deep, knowing that i'm now ready for the next step in my life.

You Didn't Know......

2007-02-23T10:32:00.001-05:00

i set up my blog in august 2005. i've always been a really private person, but blogging has helped me open up, not just from meeting so many new people here from all over the world, but in learning things about myself as well. this new year brings about many changes in my life, and i wanted to do some new and different things on my blog. so, i deleted everything going back to my very first post. kind of extreme probably, but i wanted to start fresh and new with the new year.

i was trying to catch the 5,000th person to visit my blog, but i missed it. i have to remember some people just look, so i didn't take that into consideration while trying to watch the count. that's what threw me off a tad. anyway, to commemorate that number, i won't list 5,000 things (don't even have that many interesting things about me), but i'll list 50 things about me to help you know me a little more (and this was a stretch!). i'm borrowing this idea from dave (thanx dave). in no specific order:

1. i'm a licensed cosmetologist
2. i have a degree in the culinary arts
3. i have 5 classes left before i'll earn my degree in business administration
4. i have a son and a daughter, both married
5. i have 3 granddaughters, ages 7 yrs, almost 2 yrs, 17 months
6. i'm a widow
7. i love sherbert
8. i love most seafood
9. i HATE CHEESE
10. i love veggie pizza with NO CHEESE
11. i'm very neat & organized
12. i volunteer in my neighborhood with our resident services program
13. i'm on the dean's list (3.85 gpa)
14. i was invited and accepted into a national honor and scholarship society
15. i have 3 brothers & 1 sister; i'm second oldest
16. i sleep with a light on
17. i've never been outside of the u.s.
18. i love jeopardy and would love to be a contestant one day
19. i write poetry
20. when i was little, i'd cry when the lone ranger went off
21. i'm sensitive and compassionate
22. i have a low tolerance for nonsense
23. i love to laugh at jay leno's, dave letterman's, & jimmy kimmel's jokes
24. i sleep with a sock on my right foot only (gets cold)
25. i'm a late nite person
30. i'm not an early morning person
31. i don't have a car
32. i'm a little shy
33. i'm a good listener
34. i'm patient
35. i don't have cable tv
36. i fold up my dirty clothes
37. i love the zoo
38. one of my goals is to visit zoos all across the states
39. i used to be a worship leader in church
40. three muskateers and m&m's are my favorite candy
41. i haven't dated since being a widow
42. summer is my favorite season
43. i was born in august; perhaps that's why summer is my favorite season
44. i can't swim
45. i used to play the violin
46. i love chess, but i'm not real good at it
47. i love the movies
48. i love going to see shakespeare plays
49. i hate exercising, maybe that's why i don't do it as much as i should
50. i'm looking forward to re-marrying (no, no prospects yet!)

ok, so i may sound a little boring, but i told you i wanted you to know me a little more. what you see is what you get.

hey, what happened?

2007-02-20T16:59:00.002-05:00

my life is spiraling out of control. well, not really out of control, just out of MY control. you know how you're driving along a street, and then you come to where you're supposed to turn off, but you don't realize it until almost too late. so you turn the wheel real quick, might have to hit the brakes which then scrrrrrreeeeech, aaah, but you made it.

that's how i feel right now. life was going along smoothly on this road for me, but now scrrrrrrrreeeeeeech, i'm making the turn, only it's down a street i don't recognize. since i don't quite know where i'm going right now, i'll coast a little doing what i know to do. that way, when this road ends and i get onto my new road, i won't miss my turn. my life is not my own.

I'VE BEEN TAGGED

2007-01-29T02:09:00.001-05:00

THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the 6 weird things about his/herself. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things, as well as state this rule clearly for the next tagged people. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged, and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment on their blog that says, "you are tagged," and "tell them to read your blog."

1. I love applesauce on my sandwiches, except during the thanksgiving and christmas holidays, when i use cranberry sauce instead. yummy!

2. i love breyers rainbow sherbert; however, i like to let it almost melt (not soupy), then eat it.

3. i sleep with a sock only on my right foot because it's the only foot that gets cold. don't know why my left foot stays nice and warm, but both socks make my body too warm. remember, socks and hats keep body heat in.

4. i have to have my window down a bit when riding in anyone's car so i can hear whatever's going on outside of the car. one of my friends thought this was so funny, and gave me the nickname, "outer world."

5. i like all of my money in a certain order: right side up (the presidents' faces), arranged by denomination--big to small with the smallest denomination on the outside. that way, people can only see the $1's and not what's on the inside. ***i will step away so i don't hold up the line doing this, so no worries if i'm in front of you at the check-out register or bank.***

6. i fold all of my dirty clothes. they take up less space this way. ok, you can stop laughing now; it's not that funny.

I TAG: Peg, Enid, Josie, Carol (Beachgirl), Ian, Brenda (clickgirl)

It Costs To Live (The Price of Life)

2007-01-21T09:11:00.001-05:00

ok, you look at this title and think, "of course it costs to live. everything in life has a price. nothing is free." have you ever heard the saying, "the best things in life are free?" well, if you ask someone who owns a mercedes, or a lexus, or a BMW, or a miata (right Carol?), i'm sure they'll tell you, it's one of the best things in their life, but they had to put a down payment on it before they bought it, they still pay a car note each month, they have to buy gas and do maintenance to keep it running; that it wasn't, and still isn't free to them. people with homes or condominums, or people who live in apartments will tell you how much they love their home, condo, or apt, but they'll tell you they aren't living there free. they have a mortgage or rent to pay, as well as maintenance and upkeep.

well, those statements are partly right and partly wrong, depending on how you define "the best things in life." most times, people automatically think of material things i.e., cars, homes, clothes, possessions, eating at nice restaurants, traveling, etc. when you talk about the best things in life. but if there's one thing i've learned in my few years of living (yes, i'm still young!), money, cars, homes, possessions, etc. cannot buy you things like peace, joy, and real love.

oh yeah, you may have a moment's peace when your bills are paid up, or you may feel some elation when things seem like they're falling into place, and everything's going great. but what happens when the pink slip comes, or health fails, or possessions are stolen or lost, or the car conks out permanently? can you still have peace, joy, happiness?

many people put their trust in things, and when things fail, all chaos breaks loose within. i was listening to a t.v. sermon this morning where the preacher was talking about the freedom of choosing to live a certain lifestyle, but the cost associated with living it. salvation is free to us, but it costs to follow that path to eternal life.

so in going back to the title of this post, "It Costs to Live" and the subtitle "The Price of Life," the words "costs and price" here are not associated with monetary things or material possessions. yes, it does cost to live, and life does have a price, but i'm talking instead about something greater than what money can ever buy or provide. I'm talking about peace of mind, inner joy and happiness, and living a life not after the dictates of this world.

living costs us giving up our fleshly desires and appetites for things; it can costs us friends and loved ones who don't understand the path we've chosen to walk; yet we gain a peace that passes all understanding, an unspeakable joy that eminates from deep within, riches that can never be destroyed by fire, weather, or theft, and a life that is the ultimate price for living. These things are free to us, but we do pay a price, not in dollars and cents, but in giving up our own will to fulfill a higher purpose in life.

so the next time you hear someone say, "the best things in life are free," hopefully your mind will think about the best things being peace of mind, inner joy and happiness, and salvation, but know that it will still cost you something to achieve even these things. The good thing is we didn't have to pay the ultimate price; that was already done for us.